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Old 03-21-2007, 02:03 PM   #1
Archian
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Default War Drums: The Letter from Jerold

"The Letter From Jerold"
By Archian.

Here's some Writing Art for my project, War Drums.
Please post your comment(s) and point out any grammar issues or lines which you think doesn't make any sense.

EDIT: If there are any words or sentences which doesn't fit in or which you think should be re-written, please notify me about it ^_^

Read The Battle of Stormrock, here!

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Last edited by Archian : 12-05-2007 at 11:05 AM.
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Old 03-21-2007, 08:42 PM   #2
Chriz.
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Nicely written letter. I'm no master or grammar myself, so I won't have any corrections.

Nice formal style, and goes well with Warcraft themes.
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Old 03-22-2007, 10:29 AM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Chriz.
Nicely written letter. I'm no master or grammar myself, so I won't have any corrections.

Nice formal style, and goes well with Warcraft themes.
Thank you, very much :)
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Old 03-24-2007, 11:35 AM   #4
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*bump*

Slackers.
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Old 03-25-2007, 06:43 AM   #5
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I meant to give some grammar corrections, but I haven't been able to get the chance to get some good, quality posting.
Don't bump in this forum. It's useless; it's a very slow-moving thing.
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Old 03-25-2007, 02:06 PM   #6
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Tsk, tsk :P Here ya go, punk.

General,

I hope this letter finds you well and has reached you before you set sail with King Uther to the wastelands of Mor’gul. I regret these trying times. The duties forced upon me have made it impossible for me to see you off in person. First let me congratulate you on your commission. I am thankful that Uther has someone of your character and abilities among his loyal subordinates. I know that you feel more at home on the battlefield than in the company of the royal court. But let me remind you, the strategies and tactics employed there are every bit as complex and potentially deadly, as any found in military conflict.

Reluctantly, ever since the Orcish horde crushed our main army, we seem to be more dependent on tricks rather than brute force. A direct attack on the enemy would be suicide, just let me remind you of the Battle of Stormrock. May those brave Soldiers who fell in battle forever rest in peace. But who am I to lecture you, you were there back when the tragedy occurred. I have no right to judge you. But we should learn from our mistakes furthermore, as it appears to be crucial times these days and we can’t afford to throw away lives needlessly.

We have suffered a terrible loss and a huge blow to the number of our own troops, but with you beside the King I belive that we have a reasonable chance to make a diffrence.

The warlords of these lands have crawled cowardly behind their castle walls, luring themselves into a false sense of security from the dark shadow that approaches from the West. There have been rumours about the Orcs planning a full-scale invasion. Until now, there have only been isolated raids through out the land. The farmers are fleeing the villages and the warlords are giving them occupation within the cities to prevent a riot. As you know, I’m doing my share by recruiting new soldiers, not to mention we need to strengthen our defence at the Western Coast should an invasion become a reality.

It is unfortunate your first visit to Galadorn could not be made in happier times. Galadorn, is like a fire. For hundreds of years it has been the shining light of the Western Coast and the first bastion against the overwhelming hordes of destruction. Least it has been, under Sir,Wilbur Gryphonheart’s rule. He was a great regent and a dedicated ally to the King. I will remember him best as a man of strength and fairness. His death came as a shock to us all, he was ambushed by a group of bloodthirsty Blackstorm wolves. After his death, me and a few of my men tracked down the beasts to avenge him. I lost good men in the process. Listen to me and my gloominess. I’m sure I’m just seeing things the worst possible light. Perhaps I have been at this job too long.

Farewell, friend. I look forward to your return, to a good mug of Brewton’s ale, and to the recounting of your jouney’s tale. May the seas be calm and the wind steady in your sails.

Best Regards,
Jerold Humphrey, Lieutenant of the third platoon.
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Old 04-06-2007, 07:33 PM   #7
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All right, you wanted a grammar critique, so here's mine.
The first isn't grammar per se, but "I regret these trying times." just doesn't sound good as a sentence.
Second, some parts you put commas need a semi colon instead.
Quote:
A direct attack on the enemy would be suicide, just let me remind you of the Battle of Stormrock.
Quote:
As you know, I’m doing my share by recruiting new soldiers, not to mention we need to strengthen our defence at the Western Coast should an invasion become a reality.
Useless comma, should be taken out completely.
Quote:
Galadorn, is like a fire.
Should be just Sir Wilbur Gryphonheart.
Quote:
Least it has been, under Sir,Wilbur Gryphonheart’s rule.

Also, you seem to have the same problem I do. At times you use too many commas. Try to find points in your sentences where the commas aren't necessary and you'll be fine.

Other than that, it's well written. Good work.
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Old 04-09-2007, 06:34 AM   #8
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Okay Arch... I think the letter is... wrongly written.... since it seems the writer is not a warrior, yet he goes out to avenge the death of a lord by killing some beasts, this seems more like a farewell letter, yet... all he does is dribble on about things that are irrelevant at that time... I think you should consider rewriting it... sorry. Just my opinion...

Good effort though
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Old 09-05-2007, 02:56 AM   #9
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It does sound like a farewell letter, but only if the last part was not added. Without it, we can assume that the writer is expecting to retire from their current job soon.

Quote:
But who am I to lecture you, you were there back when the tragedy occurred. I have no right to judge you. But we should learn from our mistakes furthermore, as it appears to be crucial times these days and we can€™t afford to throw away lives needlessly.

I having a small fit about this. That part in bold should be rewritten. You've somehow managed to formulate that sentence so that when you read it, it sounds wrong if you take out the starting word(But). I'm asking you to rewrite it, because there shouldn't be a paragraph that has two sentences starting with, "but". It annoys me. >.<

Quote:
I'm sure I'm just seeing things the worst possible light. Perhaps I have been at this job too long.

I think you should start it off with, "Prehaps I'm just..." or "Maybe I'm just..." depending on how your character would speak. Having two "I'm"s that close sounds funny.

Oh yeah- And since it's supposed to be a letter, don't you think that the introduction of the letter is a little blank? Just general feels... off.

In the fifth paragraph of the letter image, 'believe' is spelled 'belive'.
In the sixth paragraph of the letter image, 'through out' should be 'throughout'. At least I think...

Other then that, everything looks fine. Nice letter, but it also sounds like a report. A mix of both.
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Last edited by Ignitedstar : 09-05-2007 at 02:59 AM.
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