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Old 02-05-2006, 02:58 AM   #1
Orc Dork
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Default Death ~A poem by Orc Dork

I wrote this a while ago so tell be if you like it.

Death

Death is an unwelcome visitor,
That comes when you least expect it.
Death suddenly appears at your door,
Knock, knock, knocking at your door.
Death is like a traitor on the battlefield,
You don’t expect it to attack you,
You don’t expect it to attack the ones you love.
Death is fast and stealth on the attack,
Or it uses a brutish attack, slow and painful.
Yet at the end of it all is always the same,
Filled with tears, sorrow, and broken hearts.
Death begs to enter and you shoo it away,
Yet it manages to get in anyways.
Death drags daring dreamers down,
And they arrive at an apocalypse.
An apocalypse for all their hopes and dreams,
It is a shattering and devastating blow to them.
Death is a part of life,
Never looked forward to.

Please leave a comment, I even hired a dancer:

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Old 02-05-2006, 06:33 AM   #2
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Nice, no spelling errors.
Also, grammatically, the only error was that you capitalized after a comma, but hey, it's free writing, so anything goes. (plus it's a poem, that grammatical error really depends on your writing style..)
And I really like the poem! It's fresh, new and very well described. The last two lines are very good.
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Old 02-05-2006, 04:39 PM   #3
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the only problem i have with this poem is that its joined the millions and millions of poems that are about death.
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Old 02-07-2006, 12:48 AM   #4
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Not bad, a rhyme scheme might make it more interesting to read. That or a sylable count, or both if your insane :D

You also use an informal tone in your poem which is kinda weird in a poem about death, you might want to do something about that.
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Old 02-08-2006, 02:32 PM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by johnfn
Not bad, a rhyme scheme might make it more interesting to read. That or a sylable count, or both if your insane :D

You also use an informal tone in your poem which is kinda weird in a poem about death, you might want to do something about that.
I have to agree with johnfn here, it needs some rhyme...

And Gigli, yeah, death is preaty much popular these days
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Old 02-08-2006, 08:11 PM   #6
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Considering your name even relates to it, hehehe....
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Old 02-08-2006, 09:20 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Orc Dork
Considering your name even relates to it, hehehe....
I think that's the reason i even repied
But it's realy a good poem, good use of words
Keep it up! (still more rhyme would be better)
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Old 02-08-2006, 09:22 PM   #8
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Thanks for the advice, I will keep that in mind.

I think i wrote that last year after my grandfather died.
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Old 02-08-2006, 09:24 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Orc Dork
Thanks for the advice, I will keep that in mind.

I think i wrote that last year after my grandfather died.
Hehe, no problem, it's what i do.

I'm realy sorry for your grandfather though... becouse I understand how you feel...

But anyway, good luck with your "poeming"
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Old 02-08-2006, 10:06 PM   #10
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I understand the grandfather thing too...
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Old 02-09-2006, 02:21 AM   #11
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Thanks all, I will be posting some more material soon. This time I am going to write it in word first so i can proofread it a few times before postange.
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