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Old 12-19-2003, 03:10 AM   #1
ApocalypticElf
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Introduction : Omen

The grass lie still in the silent night. The old witchdoctor pressed his staff on the floor to aid him one more step. There lied the giant mesa, golden shinning stone, which glimmered in the moon's light, creating a mixture of a silvery-gold colour. The troll lifted up his staff and pressed it against the monument, and his limb went into it as if he were putting it through water. After which seemed like forever of a moment to him, he stepped into the structure. He found himself standing on a mountain, and everyone around him was stained by the frost of snow. He turned around, and the mesa was not there anymore.

"Oh boy, mon', 'dis is not 'da good sign!' the old troll said to himself. As he panicked and itched his head both in confusion.

Chapter 1 : And the horse you rode in on.

"Ah 'mon, I hate 'dis snow! It frrrreeze me all over!" he said, crossing his arms tightly to produce some heat.

"How did I get here? What was 'dat gold mesa doin' 'dere anyways?" he asked himself, trying to think of a logical solution to rid the confusion which stirred in his mind.

After walking down the rugged mountain of snow, he found an encampment of humans, who were feasting on some meat tirelessly... though... they did not seem like humans in another way. Their skin was darker, and their eyes were firey red.

'Yo 'mon! Can ya' share da' love wit' 'dat crazy fire you got rollin' 'dere?' asked the troll.

The humans looked at the troll, and waved their hands over so that the troll can join them.

"Troll, how did you arrive in the land of Khenzim the Great Wizard?" asked the human who was sitting down, chewing on some rabbit's meat.

The troll stretched out his hands near the fire, and mumbled something strange, and all of a sudden, fire flew into his hands, turning them red, then back to their blue-greenish colour.

"Ah, 'dat keep me' warm for a day or two.' he said, rubbing himself with his enchanted hands.

"I don't know how I got here mon'." said the troll, "'Mon, I actually feel onto this giant mesa which was near the darkspear tribe's village mon', but it was swirling!" the troll said, as the two humans could barely make out the words the troll spoke.

Last edited by ApocalypticElf : 12-19-2003 at 04:40 AM.
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Old 01-20-2005, 02:40 PM   #2
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Do trolls talk like there Jamican .... lol
 
Old 01-20-2005, 04:01 PM   #3
Balthamos
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Uhm, Hacken_Hacker...yeah, they do speak with Jamaican accents...you've never noticed? How can you not pick up on them speaking that way in actual voice but pick up on this guy's text as being Jamaican and therefore inaccurate? Not to say it's difficult to infer what accent he was using in his text...but shouldn't it, fundamentally, be easier to notice a vocal accent to a written accent? :\

But about the actual script...it seems ok, frankly I've never really like the trolls having a Jamaican accent too much.. so a story where the main character IS a troll seems like it would be a daunting read. Apart from the dialogue the script is pretty good, maybe it should be stretched a bit, use the time it takes him to wander through this scene to give insight into his character; as it seems a little rushed...maybe have him relate something going on around him to his past? To something or someone he remembers, that's a good way to give a character depth.

Anyway, good luck and keep writing.
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