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Old 04-15-2005, 03:19 PM   #1
BadFurDay
 
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--------------------
Preface: Author note

This story was written this summer, and, put in a warcraft3 map in september, that was meant to be in several parts. After part 1 was done, the terrainer (which was really excellent) abandonned and I did not feel the courage to continue alone, and had no available terrainer to help me at this time. Now, I'm not mapmaking anymore, just helping a few people with their triggers on w3campaigns trigger heaven.
But, the story written in this cinematic was absolutely superb (in my opinion anyways) and is full of action and surprises.

Right now, the story is in the form of a quite small text file located in a very dark place in my computer, the only thing I need to do to write this story is to make it longer (it's just a skeleton right now) and to translate it, because I made the script in a wierd mix between French and English (because I am French, doh).
Expect this story to be long and in several parts, all divided in several chapters. Mostly because I like to write, but also because I want that damn revenge on that map I did not finish

-------------------
- DISCLAIMER: This is not "Another story about Warcraft". The story was written before I even knew World Edit existed, and the Warcraft map was an adaptation.
- ANOTHER DISCLAIMER: I am atheist and believe in no particular religion or god. So, if you have any religious problem with this story (it features demons, devils, and stuff like that), then go to your church/altar/whatever and go tell the clergy, they may be very angry... or not, because this story is not an offense to religion at all!
- THIRD AND LAST DISCLAIMER: I am French, so excuse the typos. Personnally, I think my english is very good, because I was fluent when I was a kid, and because I first wanted to be a translator and did some language studies for a few years.
--------------------

Yes, I know how much you want to read the story instead of all that stupid blatter I'm giving you right now. But first, I need to do something.

Thanks a lot to the following people:
- My girlfriend because this story was first based on a dream I made, and the continuation of the story is based on a dream my girlfriend made. Wierd, eh?
- Draco because he pays for us to be able to post here
- DarKSonG for being the terrainer of the warcraft adaptation of this
- Crypt_friend for having supported the cinematic project until the end
- Player_72985, Johnfn, and Goffmog for being partly the reasons why I stay on wc3campaigns
- All these people who ask some trigger help in the Trigger Heaven forum, because sometimes it's fun to help.
- Anitarf and Raptor-- for helping people every day in the Trigger Heaven forum even if they never get anything in return (please help me and give some rep to these people, they truly deserve some!!)
- All the musicians I listen to while writing: Gorillaz, Muse, Superbus, Mylène Farmer, Daft Punk, System of a Down, Freedom for King Kong, Moby, The Avalanches, The Prodigy, No Doubt, and all the others that I forgot.

Now I'm done. Let's get on with the "stuff":

--------------------


The Infiltration

Part 1: A demon's life

Chapter 0: Introduction



Before mankind existed, Earth was not empty. There were some human beings, that actually looked exactly like humans, that shaped our Earth like it is now: most unexplained mysteries nowadays (Stonehenge, The crippled lands, etc...) were their products. But, someday, they saw that a huge meteorit was heading towards the Blue planet. These people then abandonned a few relics and sent everything they had, including themselves in spaceships far away from our planet. But they did a terrible mistake, they left behind them a dozen of "experiences" they made in a reinforced bunker, which was the only form of advanced life that survived the meteorit. These are nowadays known as "Homo Sapiens".

But, before this incident, something happened that marked the history of this race. It is the story of a small demon called Jecho that is known by all of them. If I came back to your planet, it is only to enlight you with this incredible but true story. But, before I tell you anything, you must know how the world was at this time.

Imagine a society where everything is like in these games you play when you have some free time, such as "Dungeons and Dragons". Now imagine such a heroic fantasy world, but with a little addition... a dark place called Hell where the soul of all deads go when they die. Everyone feared death at this time, because a dark shadow called the Grim Reaper patrolled the Earth, randomly killing a few people, to bring them back to Hell. And Hell was the worst place that could exist, with flames everywhere. Hell was inhabitated by two sort of creatures, Devils, who were some giant red men with spikes everywhere on their body and an almost unlimited power, and Demons, who were some red humanoids with horns. Hell was controlled by all the Devils and the Demon King, a giant demon who ruled the Demons since Hell existed. At this time, when the Grim Reaper came to take you, he transported you to Hell and gave your body to the Devils and Demons who would torture you until you die, and throw you in a fire. They probably thought it was fun. We did not.

Our story takes place in Hell, that forsaken place of which we were all afraid.

-------------------
To be continued...
-------------------

This introduction is quite short and there is nothing particular that happens yet, but expect a lot of action and suprises in the next part... coming soon ^_^

Please report all typos/grammar error I did so I'll be able to correct them. Thanks in advance, and thanks for reading if you did so.
 
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Old 04-15-2005, 03:25 PM   #2
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Ok for organization, I give you a 1. We really do not need all that banter up above.
And as for Ideas, I'm gonna giver you low on that too.

29/60
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Old 04-15-2005, 03:39 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Xiash
Ok for organization, I give you a 1. We really do not need all that banter up above.
And as for Ideas, I'm gonna giver you low on that too.

29/60

Actually, this deserves way less than 29/60, because it is still an Introduction. Also, that "banter up above" just goes with the introduction, it is: An explanation on how I got this idea + Some disclamers + Some thanks, which are not a sin, if I'm not wrong...

Wait a few chapters to give this story a real rating
 
Old 04-15-2005, 08:34 PM   #4
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Chapter 1: Jecho the Doomed Demon

The third of Zengul of the year seventy-nine of the Drez calendar, the Grim Reaper was very angry. Mostly because he had a few problems with a raiding party that thought it would be simple to enter Hell and slaughter all evil beings, but also because he felt that the Devils would be very agitated in the near future. Grim always had such premonitions, and he was always right. Last time he felt like that, a volcano burst in Hell, burning a lot of fortresses and torture material owned by the Devils and the Demons. But this time, it was even more important. Grim knew that the only way to keep the Devils calm was to give them plenty of people to torture.

-----

In the rainy streets of Adularia, Jacob, a peasant was coming back from his dayly work in the fields, hoping he'll have enough time to go and see the Great Wizard of the city and learn some "magical stuff". Magic tricks always impressed him, even the simpler ones. Jacob was entirely dressed up in leather clothes. His white leather coat definitely made him look like a rich person. He was thinking about how funny nature is, because it rains every day in Adularia, while in the plains that are a few kilometers to the south it almost never rains. Too bad these plains are infested by bandits, he'd like to live there.

Jacob was smiling as his perverted mind thought about something while his boots made "splash... splash... splash...". He took a shortcut in a tiny street, surrounded by three story high buildings, that was completely deserted except for a tavern. He thought he took the right direction, but finally saw that this street was a dead-end.

Suddenly, Jacob felt a metallic object being put on his throat.

-----

In Hell, the situation could not have been better. Dear Grim seems to have a jolly mood today, because dead people are being sent in throngs through the dimension portal. Demons and Devils regularly came on the pile of corpses to pick a few of them before they died. The dead bodies were given to the giant hounds that guard the entry of the portal since the last assault a few months ago.

But, in a corridor where some small demons are playing hide-and-seek, there is a stone house that looks different from the others. If you don't examine it carefully, you might not see the difference. Like all demon houses, that construction looks like a big cylinder of stone that would be erected in the middle of nowhere, with a few holes so the daylight could lighten up the inside. Its dark gray stones are completely covered of moss, which means that the demon living in it is part of the low class. Warrior demons, which are the elite guard of the Demon King have their houses totally neat and clean. Demon mages, which often do raiding missions in the other dimension to bring in corpses when the Grim Reaper is tired or does not kill enough have no houses, they don't need to sleep.

When you come closer, you can see that this house is different. The heavy padlock is open, but the door remains closed, which means that this house is closed from the inside. One of the demon kids stopped running and got instantly caught by a very small demon that still had its baby tail. He said: "My friends, this house looks... different. Don't you think so?". The kid group slowly moved towards the house, trying to be the most quiet possible. They knew that if someone was inside, this person would have a lot of trouble. The biggest kid took a big piece of wood that was on the ground near the house and started hitting the door, hoping it would break.

-----

Jecho was having a normal day. Well, almost normal, because he was staying in his house, bored. Jecho was a Demon that looked totally normal, he had some short pointy horns, enormous red eyes, a heavily teethed mouth that was always grinning, even when he did not want to grin. His armored red skin made him look like if he was built for combat, but, instead, he was just a normal demon torturing people every day. His muscled arms were ended by powerful hands and four small claws on each side. On his left hand, the third claw was missing since his birth, maybe this was the reason why he did not get selected to be a warrior. His strong and furry legs were ended by some big feet with three big retractable claws, so he could run without risking to break a claw.

Jecho was in the fourth and highest story of his house, looking outside at some demon kids playing hide-and-seek through a small window. He thought at what these kids would do when they will be bigger: torturing people and gathering corpses. But Jecho had something the others demons did not have: compassion. He acquired this strange feeling when he once made a small walk in the other dimension and found a human lady crying over the body of her dead husband, that had just been killed by a boar. Jecho hid and looked at the poor lady. Since that day, Jecho's life completely changed. Nowadays, he can't torture people anymore without feeling guilty. And Jecho knew what the sentence is for Demons that stay home when the Grim Reaper is extremely active like today: Death.

Jecho was lost in his thoughts. When he took the time to look outside again, one of the demons was staring at him. He quickly ducked, but it was too late, Jecho could hear the demon kids coming towards his house. After almost a minute of silence, that seemed like the longest minute of his life, Jecho heard a big thumping noise downstairs. He knew he was in deep trouble, but he had nowhere to hide in his house. He panicked and ran everywhere he could think of in his house, trying to find a proper hide. Then, he heard a louder thumping noise, and the sound of his door exploding in pieces.

------------------
To be continued...
------------------

Please report all typos/grammar error I did, so I'll be able to correct them. Thanks in advance, and some constuctive rewiews would also be appreciated.

Last edited by BadFurDay : 04-16-2005 at 10:06 AM.
 
Old 04-15-2005, 09:37 PM   #5
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Ooh good good, BFD is writing stories here as well :) Its good to see you post. Lets keep this place active :P

I'll give you a rating, but this'll probably be low until you release some more chapters.

Character Development: 4/10, Humor 0/5, Writing Skill 12/15, Clearity 7/10, Grammar 3/5, Execution 4/5. Thats 32/50 (two bonus points for the font :D). Don't feel bad though, its mainly character development and humor (which are hard to do with limited space).

Character development - I should wait a while for you to have enough time to develop your scores. Technically with such a short story the most you could have scored here is about 7.

Humor - I'll be waiting for some :P Once again its related to the length.

Writing skill - I mainly took off for a few grammar mistakes I saw.

Grammar - See below for a more in depth analysis. I'm going to write out most of the grammar mistakes I see.

Execution - Well, I dont have much to base it off of, but your doing pretty good with the switiching perspectives.

Well, here's for my extended grammar analysis, I'm just going to bold everything I see wrong, have fun:


Quote:
The 3rd of Zengul of the year 79 of the Drez calendar, the Grim Reaper was very angry.Mostly because he had a few problems with a raiding party that thought it would be simple to enter Hell and slaughter all evil beings, but also because he felt that the Devils would be very agitated in the near future. Grim always had such premonitions, and he was always right. Last time he felt like that, a volcano burst in Hell, burning a lot of fortresses and torture material owned by the Devils and the Demons. But this time, it was even more important. Grim knew that the only way to keep the Devils calm was to give them plenty of people to torture.

-----

In the rainy streets of Adularia, Jacob, a peasant was coming back from his dayly work in the fields, hoping he'll have enough time to go and see the Great Wizard of the city and learn some magical stuff. Magic tricks always impressed him, even the simpler one. Jacob was entirely dressed up in leather clothes. His white leather coat definitely made him look like a rich person. He was thinking about how funny nature is, because it rains every day in Adularia, while in the plains that are a few kilometers to the south it almost never rains. Too bad these plains are infested by bandits, he'd like to live there.

Jacob was smiling as his perverted mind thought about something while his boots made "splash... splash... splash...". He took a shortcut in a tiny street, surrounded by three story high buildings, that was completely desert except for a tavern. He thought he took the right direction, but finally saw that this street was a dead-end.

Suddenly, Jacob felt a metallic object on his throat.

-----

In Hell, the situation could not have been better. Dear Grim seems to have a jolly mood today, because dead people are coming in throngs through the dimension portal. Demons and Devils regularly came on the pile of corpses to pick a few of them before they died. The dead bodies were given to the giant hounds that guard the entry of the portal since the last assault a few months ago.

But, in a corridor where some small demons are playing hide-and-seek, there is a stone habitat that looks different from the others. If you don't examine it carefully, you might not see the difference. Like all demon habitats, that construction looks like a big cylinder of stone that would be erected in the middle of nowhere, with a few holes so the daylight could lighten up the habitat. Its dark gray stones are completely covered of moss, which means that the demon living in it is part of the low class. Warrior demons, which are the elite guard of the Demon King have their houses totally neat. Demon mages, which often do raiding missions in the other dimension to bring in corpses when the Grim Reaper is tired or too slow have no houses, they don't need to sleep.

When you come clother, you can see that this house is different. The heavy padlock is open, but the door remains closed, which means that this house is closed from inside. One of the demon kids stopped running and got instantly caught by a very small demon that still had its baby tail. He said: "My friends, this house looks... different. Don't you think so?". The kid group slowly moved towards the house, trying to be the most quite possible. They knew that if someone was inside, this person would have a lot of trouble. The biggest kid took a big piece of wood that was on the ground near the house and started hitting the door, that could not resist such pressure.

-----

Jecho was having a normal day. Well, almost normal, because he was staying in his house, bored. Jecho was a Demon that looked totally normal, he had some short pointy horns, enormous red eyes, a heavily teethed mouth that was always grinning, even when he did not want to grin. His armored red skin made him look like if he was built for combat, but, instead, he was just a normal demon torturing people every day. His muscled arms were ended by powerful hands and four small claws on each side. On his left hand, the third claw was missing since his birth, maybe this was the reason why he did not get selected to be a warrior. His strong and furry legs were ended by some big feet with three big retractable claws, so he could run without risking to break a claw.

Jecho was in the fourth and highest story of his house, looking outside at some demon kids playing hide-and-seek through a small window. He thought at what these kids would do when they will be bigger: torturing people and gathering corpses. But Jecho had somethign the others demons did not have: compassion. He developped this strange feeling when he once made a small walk in the other dimension and found a human lady crying over the body of her dead husband, that had just been killed by a boar. Jecho hid and looked at the poor lady. Since that day, Jecho's life completely changed, he now can't torture people anymore without feeling guilty. And Jecho knew what the sentence is for Demons that stay home when the Grim Reaper is extremely active like today: Death.

Jecho was lost in his thoughts. When he took the time to look outside again, one of the demons was staring at him. He quickly ducked, but it was too late, Jecho could hear the demon kids coming towards his house. After almost a minute of silence, that seemed like the longest minute of his life, Jecho heard a big thumping noise downstairs. He knew he was in deep trouble, but he had nowhere to hide in his house. He panicked and ran in all directions, trying to find a proper hide. Then, he hear a louder thumping noise, and the sound of his door exploding in several pieces.

I just bolded stuff that sounded odd to me. I only gave it a once-through so I probably missed all sorts of stuff.
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Old 04-16-2005, 09:33 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by johnfn
Ooh good good, BFD is writing stories here as well :) Its good to see you post. Lets keep this place active :P
^_^
Quote:
Originally Posted by johnfn
I'll give you a rating, but this'll probably be low until you release some more chapters.
Indeed, but don't worry, this will have enough chapters ;)
Quote:
Originally Posted by johnfn
Character development - I should wait a while for you to have enough time to develop your scores. Technically with such a short story the most you could have scored here is about 7.
Indeed, you don't really see who is the hero, except with the chapter title. But this will come soon enough...
Quote:
Originally Posted by johnfn
Humor - I'll be waiting for some :P Once again its related to the length.
Indeed, humor won't come until a few chapters, but there will be some.
Quote:
Originally Posted by johnfn
Writing skill - I mainly took off for a few grammar mistakes I saw.
Grammar - See below for a more in depth analysis. I'm going to write out most of the grammar mistakes I see.
Not being english is a terrible problem to write such stories, it gives me a limited vocabulary. Thanks a LOT for highlighting all these errors, I'll correct them right now!
Quote:
Originally Posted by johnfn
Execution - Well, I dont have much to base it off of, but your doing pretty good with the switiching perspectives.
I really hope you like these switching perspectives, because you'll gonna have to see them for a few more chapters...

Also I see you changed your rating system (me too BTW) and it seems a bit more balanced now ^_^
I did not expect at all a 32/50 with only an introduction and a chapter, thanks a lot!
 
Old 05-04-2005, 08:50 PM   #7
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the begining really catches the mind i think. it starts out with action (sort of) and ends with action. very nice for a begining id say. but b sure to finish it.
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Old 05-05-2005, 09:54 AM   #8
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I will, don't worry. It's just that my work and life carried me for two weeks in London, where I did not have the scenario.
 
Old 05-05-2005, 10:02 AM   #9
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I didn't read the story, but I'll do that later, don't worry.

Quote:
Originally Posted by bfd
Draco because he pays for us to be able to post here


I just want to say that it's not Draco that pays for this forum. Or at least I don't think. That must be Uluru...

edit: Ok, I read the story. Rather cool, quite original... maybe a bit simplistic? I'm waiting the next parts to rate it. So far, it's a good begining, though not really littéraire.

Last edited by StormrageJunior : 05-05-2005 at 01:21 PM.
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Old 05-14-2005, 03:38 AM   #10
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bfd weres the story i got nuttin to read here and i want to no wat happens. does he bite the little demons heads off? if yes then WOO HOO! THATS WAT YOU GET FOR BREAKIN AND ENTERIN YA LITTLE*************************
(khaozknight has decided not to view this section due to explicit content)(did i say that right?)
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Old 05-14-2005, 08:45 AM   #11
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Sadly, I have a very exciting real life lately, that leaves me not much time to write. I already wrote 3 chapters of The Infiltration in a French forum where I post stories too, but I did not translate them yet. Sorry, it should come soon...
 
Old 05-22-2005, 01:57 AM   #12
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erg.... y didnt i just take french instead of spanish..... O YA CUZ IM HOOKED ON THOSE *** SPANISH COOKIES MAN THERE GOOD! AND MY TEACH GIVS ME THEM
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Old 06-18-2005, 04:34 AM   #13
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cmon bfd wat happened? weres the next chapter?!?!?!?!?? AAAAAAAAAAAa
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Old 06-18-2005, 01:40 PM   #14
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Yeah, thanks for reviving this, I am just finished with a big Flash Game project with my team that took 2 months of my live... but I am back and ready to make an ownage.
I wrote another part in French 2 days ago, so I guess a translation of the part should come quite soon...
 
Old 06-18-2005, 09:59 PM   #15
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I have a question, BFD. Why did you list influences? Are you famous?
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