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Old 12-20-2003, 01:40 AM   #1
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Here is the first chapter in my story
Its suppose to be a fictional drama with a little fantasy
Tell me what you think

Prologue
I look upon the oceans of heaven
They sing to me a song of sorrow
A lament, a dirge of things that have to die
The melancholy of man makes angels cry

We foolish mortals, tools of tragic fate
Look never soon enough to see the tides of peril
Until they have drown us in our own misery
Cursed by fate, he who lives must die

There are times in the lives of men, when dreams drift away, and hope is but a passing memory. That time is the here and now in the once proud nation of Thantium. Somber faces turn down their heads for news is that their noble kind is dead. The King had left no heir for his only son had died only shortly before the king had fallen deathly ill. In the leaderless nation, a council of elders met to elect a new line of kings.

Chapter 1: No Sun Behind the Clouds

The soft earth splashed from the impact of the heavy rain that was falling in front of the council house of the witan. The grass had long over quenched its thirst for water and now grew in such abundance that people had cursed it as a weed that ruined their gardens. However, the stone around the council house was clean and the surfaces inside were kept dry by an overabundance of working feudal men. Thus, while no fungus grew on the walls of their establishment, a bacterium did fester in the hearts of the witan council. A disease of stubbornness and greed had infected the wills and mind of all noblemen. A hunger for power and control could be seen in their eyes and heard whenever they spoke.

However, the workings of the council were of no concern to the captain who stood outside in the accursed rain. His hands, holding the reins of two horses, shivered violently, from the frigid winds that howled in the night air. His war cloak, which was normally decorated by majestic emblems in the shade of amber, was now too damp to make out any standards and too saturated to keep out the bitter, searching fingers of the night.

A piercing noise startled the man out of his misery; the door to the council house had been thrown open with much force. Out stepped a lanky man, dressed in a fine robe padded with rich fur. There was fury in his step and a look of absolute anger on his face.
“The fools, they all want to be king�
“Lord Tennyson…Than the council is still undecided?�
“Yes, I go tiresome of this business. It matters not that the king did not choose a successor,� his speech paused and a frown of indignation appeared on his brow.
“I have more right to rule than most!� spoke the noble
“There will be dark days ahead of us,� said the captain as sagely as possible.
“A shadow falls upon this God forsaken country; A can feel its presence on the breeze.
If its war they want, then it is war they shall get. Come, we have work to do!�
“Yes, Sir�
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Last edited by antihero : 12-20-2003 at 08:42 AM.
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Old 01-09-2004, 11:36 AM   #2
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Not bad. Might want t read it and check your gammar or sort out the spelling mistakes that the spell check won't pick up.
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Old 01-10-2004, 03:57 AM   #3
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Yeah, I wrote it pretty fast.
It was orginally going to be a short story for my English class but it turns out that my teacher only wanted 1500 words. Since this thing was going to be probably 20-30 pages, don't expect any updates for a couple of weeks.
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Old 03-28-2004, 05:56 PM   #4
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NOOOOOOOOO, this is sooo good. Though the second to last line the whole "if its war..." seems a little forced. Might try different choice of words for that line? seems to 1940's for me.
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Old 04-18-2004, 03:18 AM   #5
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Quote:
Originally Posted by toxicseaweed3
NOOOOOOOOO, this is sooo good. Though the second to last line the whole "if its war..." seems a little forced. Might try different choice of words for that line? seems to 1940's for me.
yea i agree, it seems like too cliche of a line. i think the story would be fine if you took out "if it's war they want, it's war they shall get".... or else just replace it with something like "let's kick some ass" :D

but thats some nice writing.
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Old 04-21-2004, 06:54 AM   #6
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When my harddrive crashed I thought I had lost this story.
I completely forgot I had posted this thing here.
hehe, I'm going to get back to writing this.
Thanks for the comments
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Old 08-25-2004, 10:03 PM   #7
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that end part reminded me of lords of the realm2 for some reason.
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Old 08-26-2004, 12:03 AM   #8
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Its no wonder it reminds you of Lord of the Realms 2
Thats where I got the idea from. Of course the Civil War was only suppose to be a backdrop for a more dramatic tale but I kinda lost all the notes I had written for this story. Its too bad, I has some really inventive ideas for the narrative. Oh well, I guess if I ever feel the urge, I might try to write more again.
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