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Old 07-01-2005, 12:53 PM   #1
Belphegor666
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OK this is my TRANSLATION of a story i really liked. It goes something like this...

Leader

It was told that he was over two thousand years old, that Akidu himself created him and sent him to Earth to restore peace.

He spent most of his life traveling from to another quarreled tribe, telling them of his gospel. He told everyone, willing to listen, of the divine wisdom of their god Akidu, he told them were will this dispute and hostility would lead them, and what harmony and peace will bring them. He also told them that unity with god can only be made through path of initiation and rejecting everything corporal.

Some consider him a prophet, others a healer, some saw in him a shaman and others saw a holy man, while most of people accepted Leaders teachings and followed him.

"...One should not be ashamed of what we carry within...", he said, "You must know your body and everything corporal in order to reject it. You must know and love all of this world in order to leave it behind more easily. Spirit is only thing that matters, the only thing that remains.."

He would usually take to his side young women and teached them, for a month or two, spreading the wisdom of Akidu. He told only women can pass the path of initiation for they are chosen, untainted by war and tribal feuds.

A large number of women wished to accept Leaders teaching, to become his apprentice, believer, weapon in the battle for peace and unity of the tribes. Those women, with the help of Leader, would reach such level on conscience that they rejected all corporal and of this world things and returned amongst their fellow tribesmen in a form of spirit, which only Leader could see and summon...

One day Leader came to Emerina's village.

The village dwellers were rejoicing, decorated their homes and nearby trees, beautified the girls, bathed on the shores of a nearby river, and preparing various treats, all in honour of the Leader.

Emerina was the prettiest girl not only in her village, but in several others as well, and as long as she knew of herself, she dreamed to meat the Leader, and to learn from him. She didn't want just to be with him for a month or two, but for a year or more, so she could be his apprentice... his heir.

After putting on her prettiest dress, combing and disbanding her hair, Emerina went to the biggest and most decorated house, where Leader was looking forward to meet her.

He was taller than she imagined, and it was told that he is the tallest amongst all people. His muscles were tighten as strains, with piercing eyes.

"Come my child", said the Leader in a deep tone of voice, which filled her completely. Emerina stepped into the middle part of the room, and smiled clumpsy.

Leader gave her one half of a cocoa while the other he kept for himself. In its milk were more ingredients than he could possibly name, but Emerina could not know that, nor did she asked. They never ask.

When she drank the content of it, her head started spinning. "It must be from all the excitement", she thought.

"Let's see what were you made of", the man stretched his arms and touched her hot cheeks. He smiled gently and said: "Restless spirit, eager to know, yees, a good soul. How do you want to learn from me, when you are intact", he came closer and grabbed her hand.

Emerina's hot eyes spoke more than words. Leader looks carefully at them and he becomes more serious.

"Hmm, I recognize the hunger within you. Awhile ago I carried too." He whispered and was so close to Emerina, that she was completely shaking. A shudder sweet and intoxicating filled her.

"It would be a shame to let fate have you. Allow me...", he said and started taking off her dress.

"I'm not interested in what is outside", he started, "but in that what everyman has within", and her dress silently slided on the floor.

He passed with his hot palms over her shoulders and her thin waist and tighten her sides so hard, Emerina squealed and jumped out.

Leader licked his dried lips, touch her vagina and kissed the girl so hard, her head started spinning. Emerina loosen a bit and embraced Leader's wide and strong back, a giving herself to his caress.

The man inhaled deeply and move off her vagina towards her thin waist and tighten stomach. He stabbed his long and sharp nails into Emerina's chest.

The girls eyes widened in suprise, while her lips were just a little opened.

"My sweet child, you are a real treat", with his left hand he grasped her neck, gently caressed it . With his sharp nail, in one quick cut, he opened her artery and lean over the girl to drink her blood.

When the young body fell on the house dirt floor, the Leader kneel, opened her blooming chest and served with its contents.

THE END

Sorry for the grammar mistakes made, hope I haven't too much ruined the story.

The link to original story is here Vodja and its on Serbian so if you know to read it visit and if you can't too dab :(
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Old 07-03-2005, 12:47 PM   #2
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Is it possible that the translation is this bad :( ?? Meh then why should I translate my own stories /jk. I wonder why there is no feedback :\\
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Old 07-06-2005, 06:41 PM   #3
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I could give you two reasons why you did not get any feedback on it.
1. If I saw it right, the amount of posts out here clearly decreased since last time I checked.
2. The story is not the kind of story the people are searching for.

As for my own opinion, I can't easily say that. I... found it uh... not very uh... appealing, perhaps. I'm not sure, there is something on the story I don't seem to like, but I can't find the right words to describe it, or rather, to explain why I don't like it.

The translation is (probably) not all that bad, but since I don't know how it was originally writen, I can't really judge on that. Though I can guess that the name of this 'Leader' is a word that is not existing in English. Just as 'eetsmakelijk' (It's a Dutch word for 'enjoy your meal') doesn't have a English meaning either, or at least, not a logical meaning.
Though I'll stay with the fact that I find the name of 'Leader' more disturbing than pleasant to read back in the story.
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Old 07-07-2005, 03:26 PM   #4
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Hmm, this reminds me distinctly of PlasticAngel's story.

I give you a 6/10, not bad for a translation. You don't have to go in that much detail, it drives away people. Keep it clean and E rated if at all possible.

There is a little translation mistake that I picked up on:

Quote:
...he told them were will this dispute...

That should actually be where, and that confused be for about 15 seconds, which is really bad for the flow.



In conclusion, ehh, I reccommend keeping it E rated from now on. It's just something good to live by. (or write by.)
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Old 07-09-2005, 12:48 PM   #5
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@ Fladian - Yeah I noticed there isn't much people here posting, excluding the RP :(
also well I guess it isn't the same when you translate, and when you write your own story. BTW the name Leader means just that - Leader, Chieftain the guy in control

@johnfn yeah that really looks like me. I make a mistake which tottaly chages the flow in a bad way.

Well anyway tnx for feedback
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