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Old 04-10-2006, 12:24 AM   #1
Orc Dork
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Default The Young Man - Part 1- The Tale

The Young Man
Part One:
The Tale



The young man sat on a log sharpening his sword with a rough stone. He sat there gazing into the campfire infront of him, deep in concentration. The flickering sparks and flames reopened old wounds, not wounds of the flesh, but wounds of the heart.

His concentration was broken, he noticed a silence in the camp. This was a rare occasion, but he could feel that the others sitting around the campfire were concerned about his behavior. He sheathed his sword and sat it at his side then spoke:

"Fire, without we could not survive, but fire is the devil's only friend. Long ago, my family, mother, father, two sisters and little brother, was taken from me. My village was under siege by those brutish orcs and set aflame."

The young man stood to his feet and the others could feel the passion in his voice.

"I was too late, they burnt the town to the ground and with it, my family. All i could do was slaughter the ones that were dumb enough to come back to take any undamaged possesions. This was not enough, you see, all that was left of my loved ones were headless charred skeletons, all of wich were encrusted in a position of terror and pain."

Tears began forming in his eyes and he clenched his fists and he went continued.

"All i have left of them is this sword, not the actual blade though." He unsheathed his sword and let the gem embedded near the bottom of the blade reflect the light of the flame. "This gem was the only thing left of their possesions, I was lucky enough to get it before those scavengers got to it. Now I must get their skulls back from those orcs, you see, they keep the skulls of any who fall to them as trophies. I must avenge my loved ones"

Now with tears flowing down the young mans face, he fell do his knees and thrust his sword into the ground. The others did not dare to speak a word, or even more. They all knew the rage that this giften man possesed.





____________________________________________________________________________________________________ _____

That is part one, I will be thinking of more ideas and if you guys like it, make atleast 4 other chapters!
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Old 04-10-2006, 08:57 AM   #2
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More depth. I get the feeling it has no plot line other then "They attacked us. we take revenge" Also think more on WHY people say things other then WHAT you want them to say.
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Old 04-11-2006, 12:28 AM   #3
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Yeah, I was setting a cliched opening for a more humerous and punn-filled sequel...
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Old 04-11-2006, 12:44 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Orc Dork
Yeah, I was setting a cliched opening for a more humerous and punn-filled sequel...

I'm sure you meant to say "fun-filled",

anyways it was really cliche and needs work. The flow is really choppy and so is the dialog. I think you should plan out stories before writing them, cause it helps a lot. I liked the good grammar and it seems like you could do better if you tried harder. Still, keep writing!
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Old 04-11-2006, 04:58 AM   #5
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Story was extremely blunt. You gave no background information, and didn't even describe the characters. This should be Part 2.
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