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Old 03-13-2006, 03:00 AM   #1
johnfn
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Sorry that I'm so inactive around here guys, I seriously don't have any more spare time

But I still managed to write this, its a little emo because I was. Still seems kinda cool

Untitled

explosion
depression
exhaustion
confusion
muffled sounds
escape
can see clearly
almost th
but
just an illusion
and
then
nothing
blackness envelops
but
then
rays of light
a burst of fresh air
beckoning figures
just an illusion
back to gray
back to black
back to darkness
back to nothing
but
hope still shines
climbing closer
almost
but
it never existed
another illusion
and
back to darkness
back to nothing.

Quick read eh?
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Old 03-13-2006, 03:49 AM   #2
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wow..that was powerful O_O
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Old 03-13-2006, 04:11 AM   #3
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It was good, I liked the way you used the illusions and going back and forth.
A couple things...
Quote:
almost th
What was that supposed to be?
Quote:
blackness envelops
Bah, blackness as a word sucks. Use darkness
I think you wrote this rather fast...am I correct?
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Old 03-14-2006, 12:51 AM   #4
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Quote:
wow..that was powerful O_O
Thanks :)

Quote:
almost th

That was supposed to be 'almost there'. I realized after I wrote that it might be hard to tell what it was supposed to be. Ah well :)


Quote:
Bah, blackness as a word sucks. Use darkness
Yeah, actually I used darkness later on, I hate repeating adjectives. ;)

Quote:
I think you wrote this rather fast...am I correct?

Dead on, I had to go to sleep in 10 minutes and got the idea for the poem. Usually I run out of steam if I keep it for the next day so I just ran with it (literally, ran).

Now that I look back on it, it could use a few pauses, the pace is too fast for what I'm trying to accomplish.
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Old 03-14-2006, 12:55 AM   #5
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Yes, I noticed it was a little...pushy. Good nonetheless. And if you don't want to repeat adjectives, instead of blackness, try murkiness, dimness, etc.
www.dictionary.com also has a thesaurus. A writer's best friend is a thesaurus
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Old 03-14-2006, 04:04 AM   #6
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i thot it was a shaved monky? wow.
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Old 03-16-2006, 07:58 PM   #7
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i dont get it. whats it about?
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Old 03-17-2006, 11:36 PM   #8
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It's a poem, not a story. It's about whatever you interperet it as.
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Old 03-19-2006, 09:45 PM   #9
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Ack, I got confused at the part when it said, "confusion".
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Old 03-20-2006, 10:29 PM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ignitedstar
Ack, I got confused at the part when it said, "confusion".
[Q]uit, [i]gnore, [R]etry?

(Psst... choose retry ;)

Shrug, this sort of oddness just jumps to the mind.

Quote:
i thot it was a shaved monky? wow.

Huh?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Undead Lives
murkiness

Considered it but it isn't really murky, just dark.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Undead Lives
dimness

Also considered, but it wasn't dim, it was BLACK. Pitch black. :D

I do check out the thesaurus on occasion. But.. :P

Quote:
Originally Posted by Noxer
i dont get it. whats it about?

Whatever you interpret it to be. I have my own meanings for it... :P
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