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Old 06-20-2005, 06:43 AM   #1
blackheart723
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Hey community. Long time since i last posted, so here's something i wrote on the stop. There's going to be some errors (which i hope i catch), but i hope you like it. Though i wish i had more time to write it. But whatever.

The City of Faceless People

The sky is so blue and vast. If i reach out, i can almost touch. The more i try, the farther i get. So if i reach all the way, then i'll touch the sky and everything will be fine.

That's what i think. I get up from the grass and look around. The trees are so sad, but at least they have a face. i hate this city.

I walk the streets to go back home from the park. I like the park. I can be alone there. Its the streets i hate. Every person that walks by me, makes me angry. Everyone is running in my city; running nowhere. My father told me to run like them, before he left my mom. He was also running in the city; running nowhere like everyone else.

I walk by a homeless man. He's drunk like no tommorrow. I take a good look at him, and i feel sad inside. At least i can't see his face. I throw him a few coins and walk by him. He'll be dead in a week, i know it. i wonder who he was. If he dies, will anyone notices? I say a little pray for him, knowning that i'll never see him again.

i get home. We live unto a large complex. I walk the stairs, knowning that i'll meet no one on it, because people don't have legs anymore. People are machines that move and talk, trapping their soul deep within their cold metal hearts.

I climb unto our floor, and suprisingly meet an old woman smoking. We have a small talk and i leave. I don't know why she smokes. I can already see the reaper standing next to her. i guess if she smokes long enough, she can smoke out her soul. Then she'll be happy.

I enter our room. I can already smell the liquor. my mom's drunk again. Shit, i hate it when shes drunk. I try to walk past her and enter my room, but she stops me. It's the same thing over and over. We argue, i get pissed and she takes another drink and passes out. I feel sorry for her. Its cause of me that dad left.

My dad uses to beat me. Till i he left, he would drink and beat me. My mom was better back then. She tried to help me, but she was scared to lose dad. One day, I got older, and i beat up dad. He left after that, and mom fell apart. she started drinking and sleeping all day.

I feel like the whole world is going to fall apart. Everyone i see loves to drink and die. if i take drink, will i go to heaven with them? I look around my room. Posters of dreams surround me. I want to become something, anything. i don't want to be faceless in this city. I don't want to run in this city full of faceless people.

It's true. No one has a face in my city. I dreamt i was walking in this city, and i saw everyone's soul. No one had a face. I ran away from them. i ran till i was alone. i saw myself and i saw that only i had a face. Then i woke up. No one has a face in this city, but me. But who am i? I'm no one, so that makes me soulless.

i try to relax. i look out my small window. The night sky is so beautiful. I know that i can touch it if i try hard enough. I go unto the roof and try to touch it. My hands reach out, but nothing.

i wonder if i'll be like the homeless person i met? will i be alone and dying? I wonder if i'll be like mom and drink to my death? i'll never be like dad, that i know. But will i be like the old woman on the stairs and smoke till my soul comes out? I don't want to be faceless, but if i don't have a face, then i can be happy.

No, i have wings, and i can fly. My feets reach the edge of the building. There's a saying that goes, "If you jump, sometimes you fall, sometimes you die, but sometimes...you'll fly." Will i fly? My feets reach out and i jump, as my dream shatters around me. I'll become something one day. I know because i'll touch the sky.
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Old 06-20-2005, 10:46 AM   #2
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Okay, life is very evil, a sad song played in the background (from my TV) as i read this.

Goooood! 7/10
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Old 06-20-2005, 04:41 PM   #3
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I find it interesting that someone can pour so much emotion into a writing. Very good job.

7.5/10
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Old 07-07-2005, 03:38 PM   #4
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Blackheart, I don't know how you do it, but it seems like all of your stories are exactly what I want to read.

I give it an 8/10. I liked it a lot. My main problem is that there is no real action in the story, that is, nothing is happening. And I know that that has to do with the point of the story in the first place, but.. I'll just say this is probably one of the highest scores on a story without action that I'll probably ever give out.

The end was a little cliche too, but yeah. Sometimes that's unaviodable.

In conclusion, to me reading your stories is like eating a candy bar. It's really good but then you finish it and there's nothing more to be gained from it, and you wish you would have finished it slower.

Anyways, terrible metaphors aside, I liked it a lot and am now waiting for your next story :D
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Old 07-07-2005, 09:49 PM   #5
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As most people on this forum tend to be braindead morons, myself included, I thought the level of emotion you put into this piece was amazing. The only thing I can say is work on grammatical type things, but there's not MUCH to work on.. I saw "i" quite a bit, though.

Keep it up!
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Old 07-10-2005, 04:09 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by johnfn
My main problem is that there is no real action in the story, that is, nothing is happening.
Nothing is happening -- my favorite kind of story :)

Quote:
Originally Posted by johnfn
In conclusion, to me reading your stories is like eating a candy bar. It's really good but then you finish it and there's nothing more to be gained from it, and you wish you would have finished it slower.
Isn't the original saying, when using your words: "your stories is like eating a candy bar. It's really good, but when you finish it, you have a bitter taste and still asking for more", or at least, something similar to that.

As for my opinion. This is the kind of story I like to read, or at least, this is mostly my style. As you may see when you look around in this forum, no one will go as far as to create that. There are multiple (possible) reasons for that, though I prefer pointing at only one reason.

But then again, I'm a sucker for emotional stories :P I always have been, and I will always be one.
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Old 07-10-2005, 05:35 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blackheart723
My dad uses to beat me. Till i he left, he would drink and beat me. My mom was better back then. She tried to help me, but she was scared to lose dad. One day, I got older, and i beat up dad. He left after that,(do you need the comma?) and mom fell apart. she started drinking and sleeping all day.

Ok i felt like correcting some stuff.
(The bolded words)
This is just the main paragarph with the most errors, as FrostFire5765 said you forgot to capitalize some "i"'s.

It's a good story, keep it up =D
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