|05-18-2005, 01:38 PM||#1|
Join Date: Mar 2005
Small story i wrote yesterday. Would love some critics.
â€˜Not again' Said a fisher and tossed the shells and snails out of his now empty net.
The Broken shells crunched under the leathered boots of the a citizen who unsuccessfully tried to evade a snail.
â€˜How would you like it if I throw snails at you!' yelled the now angry citizen.
â€˜Shut up filthy native' Said the fisher and spit on the ground to empower his statement.
â€˜Before the end of this week I'll have you head' Said the citizen calmly â€˜You can count on that'
The fisher hesitated. Then got up and walked over the plank of his small boat.
He grasped the coat of the dull looking citizen â€˜You threaten me again and ill call the guardsâ€? The Emerik fishers eyes blazed with hate â€˜Your filthy ass isn't worth shit here'
The citizens brow rose. Then he took the arm of the fisher and twisted it around, disjointing it and forcing the fisher to bend over. There followed a few punches ending with one right in the face, breaking the fishers nose.
The fisher passed out and fell backwards hitting the boats railing with the back of his head. Blood dripped down the boats left side.
â€˜You're filthy ass ain't worth anything anywhere' whispered the citizen as he wiped his gloves clean and walked on.
A bearded old man was reading a book, The Danner Campaign, and every now and then he cursed something like â€œIdiotâ€?, â€œBy Vruneas titsâ€? or â€œGods even a monkey could do better than thatâ€?. He also often combined the curses to make it more interesting for himself. â€˜Monkey Tits even an idiot could better than that!'
The old man was completely absorbed in his book when he heard a man yelling.
â€˜Tai Puira Gemmelt open the god cursed door!'
Tai the bearded old man jumped up high knocking his knee on the massif wooden table. â€˜AUWWWW!'
â€˜TAI! Open the door, its raining!'
â€˜I coming already!' yelled the old man as he lumped over to the door. 'Auww auw' His knee hurting like hell.
â€˜Don't you ever startle meâ€¦Aww no you didn't fight again, did you?'
â€˜No I didn't' replied the youngster.
â€˜Don't lie to me, idiot' said the old man angry and slapped the youngster â€˜There is still blood on your coat'
â€˜He had it coming.'
â€˜You idiot' the old man slapped the youngster again on the back of the head â€˜Keep low.'
â€˜Ok ok, you don't have to hit me'
Outside there was crowd growing. All there eyes fixed on the old man slapping a white coated young man. Some where laughing others pointing and laughing.
The youngster and the grandpa looked around, stepped back and closed the door.
â€˜That was kind of embarrassing, wouldn't you say?'
The young man walked over to the table and looked at the book. â€˜Again?'
Tai was pouring in some wine and looked at his successor with a mean look
â€˜You don't change history reading a book. It doesn't matter how we lost. It matters how we are going to get Danner back.'
â€˜Only the young want to forget past mistakes'
The younger grunted.
The conversation went still. The two man placed themselves on the table.
They didn't say anything for a long time.
The younger sunk into his thoughts. Gods up high, what have you gotten yourself into this time, Matteon. This wasn't the idea. You should be in the tavern drinking yourself into oblivion. You're a street rat not a god cursed rebel. You're made to pick guards their pockets not kill them. How made this old guy make me do all this.
The old man looked up, as if he knew what youngster thought.
Tai opened his mouth and closed it. Then he opened it again â€˜Are the leaders in?'
â€˜Half of them'
â€˜Guess you where right then, old man, they fill their coffers with the money the empire gives them'
'You cant lead divided rebels'
The youngster looked up and his eyes locked with those of Tai.
â€˜Heads are gonna roll' they said at the same time. They laughed and drank some more wine. The night was young and they knew they where going to get drunk.
â€˜Were is that mage!' Yelled the large man.
Nobody said a thing. All looking around, evading Bangers eyes.
Banger snorted. â€˜I hate wizards'
At the far end of the lane walked a man in yellow and red clothes. Bottles of blood hang from his belt. One leaking, making a trail of blood that followed the wizard everywhere he goes.
â€˜Gods up high. Wizard, next times your late its your balls on a stick'
â€˜Yea yea banger, shut up lets get this over with'
Banger turned around, clearly angry, and looked at his men. A bunch of lowlife losers who did everything for money.
â€˜Ok. Today is going to be the day we unite. We all know why we are here. So I wont explain a thing.' Banger looked at the 4 men before him. His eyes hovering from left to right. â€˜First of all I would tell you that our â€œFearless Leaderâ€? isn't here and will not come. He has a hangover'
The 4 thief's looked at each other. Banger could guess there though.
A hangoverâ€¦AGAIN! HA he's a leader with the control of a baby.
â€˜So the first target is Gremmif. Not many know this but he's the leader of the â€œDanner Slothsâ€? a large thief's guild covering this city and 3 others. This is the strongest guild.
If we take this one, the other guilds and mob leaders will succumb to our demands'
Banger turned around and faced the wizard â€œWizard, inform them about the guards in the guild'
The wizard, clearly annoyed, replied â€˜I have name, barbarian. It's probably to hard for you to pronounce G'nuam'
The large man snorted and rolled his eyes. Filthy wizard.
The mage took the blood bottles from his belt and gave one to each of the men.
All of them looked horrid at the bottles. Especially banger. Rancid wizard.
The mage took the last one himself.
â€˜Oke this is Mengi blood, it absorbs magic cast at you. Just hold it up high and it will do the rest'
One of the man, Chember, a thin man famous for his stealth work tabbed the mage on the shoulder â€˜Mine is leaking'
â€˜Put your finger on the opening then'
The thin man looked in disgust at the bottle.
The company of six started walking. Towards a assassination.
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|05-18-2005, 10:57 PM||#2|
What my inner nerd was screaming while reading this: (Inner nerd remains silent)__________________
Why: Made him think. Nicely done. Good development good writing style. Liked the ending. Inner nerd is pleased.
Overall: 8/10 could use some improvements but hey.
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