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Old 05-15-2005, 12:42 AM   #1
Ignitedstar
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Author: Me!

Sorry, but is isn't the kind of story to where it could have been longer. What can I say? I like writing short things, that way my readers don't get restless and/or tired.

Closing My Eyes

I remember all the times whenever I closed my eyes, I missed something very
important. I couldn't tell if it was just mere coincidence, but it wasn't pleasing. Like, when I blinked on my first birthday when I blew the candles off. That wasn't nice.

The time when I friend tripped, when I looked at the sun, when my eyes were squirted with water, all the times when I ate, all the times when I got hurt, all the times when I saw a person I liked, all the times when I laughed, when I ciried or got sad, the times when I got into a snowball fight, when I wrote, "I love you", or when whiffs of air hit my face.

Or the times when I got stung by a bee, and bitten by a spider, even the time when I ate a spider. The times when I shocked myself, when I got threatened, whenever I got embarrassed, when I heard gunshots or an explosion, all the times when I got teased, and on all of my birthday wishes.

All the times I saw a supernova, a spark of electricity, a headache, amnesia, and the times when I saw falling stars. Or the times when I alarm clock woke me up, when I get startled, when I heard something break or when my friends got hurt, or the time when I got into a coma, or when I was just sleeping.

But, the only thing that I saw when I closed my eyes... was death.
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You guys... I find this pretty true.
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"If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love,
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If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge,
and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing."

1 Corinthians 13:1-2

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Old 05-16-2005, 03:31 AM   #2
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Some errors, so i'm guessing you did this kinda fast. I guessed the ending, so i wasn't surpised. It's a good start for something though. Maybe with a little more effort, it could be something better.

Maybe you could rework some of your thoughts into something that tells more about your story and gets the attention of the reader.

(e.g) I remember all the times whenever I closed my eyes, I missed something very important. I couldn't tell if it was just mere coincidence, but it wasn't pleasing. Like, when I blinked on my first birthday when I blew the candles off. That wasn't nice.

The first sentences is worded poorly. Also, its a bad opening. Did he dream, blink or just close his eyes? Or did he escape from reality?

Also, i would of like more writing about him (since i'm thinking its a guy) blink and missing life. This could draw in the reader, even in a story this short.

Last edited by blackheart723 : 05-16-2005 at 03:37 AM.
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Old 01-06-2006, 10:07 PM   #3
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I don't get it.
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