Thread: The Diary
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Old 04-22-2010, 08:33 AM   #3
The Elite
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The Elite will become famous soon enough (60)The Elite will become famous soon enough (60)The Elite will become famous soon enough (60)


Wow, thanks for the in depth review.

I am curious as to why a history teacher would want you to write pieces of fiction? Regardless, I want to correct your mistakes first.
He was discussing civil rights (more specifically woman's rights at that time)

Rule #1: A semicolon can be used to join two complete sentences together; You can use a semicolon just like this.
Rule #2: A semicolon can also be used as a "super comma", a different comma among commas. Like for when you create a themed list: I like ribbons, bowties; daisies, roses, carnations; strawberry jelly, and peanut butter.
Wow, i was unaware of this. Thanks

There are two sentence fragments. In the former, while it is clear that the character is sitting, it lacks sufficient information. Sitting? Sitting on what? A couch? Sofa? The ground? Mid air? We would never know. In the latter, there is no noun that the verb "reading" acts on.
Noted, this is a diary entry though so he probably wouldn't describe his chair to much, just his basic actions. But i make the same mistakes when I write other things anyway.

We want to keep tenses similar to keep the reference of time, so since you used "was" for sitting, I decided to use "was" for reading. After doing a lot of editing, I also have begun to realize that semicolons should not be used. While it is nice to see when people use it right, you don't need to use it. Creative writing has no rules, but you did this as an assignment.
Noted, but the example you gave sounded a bit repetitive. I was; I was? Is there another way to do it?

The actions of the character were already explained, unless you're referring to time placement. There is not enough information about what kind of tea he's drinking. The comma looks like it was added for an inexplicable reason when the moment of drinking tea can be better off described in its own sentence. I feel like the comma makes "drinking tea" just hang there.
What about if I was to do something along the lines of:
"I was reading about the new colonies the Americans had build on Mars. A mug of earl grey tea in front of me."?

You can guess what's happening here: there are more sentence fragments. That example (the sentence right before this one) is the way you want this sentence to appear. Sentences like this want to show an immediate effect due to the cause. Writing rules still apply, though: you must use complete sentences!
Hidden information:
Will do.

COULD, or CAN? If you use 'could', the character is already dead and the sentence doesn't make any sense in comparison to what the paragraph the sentence is in is about

I don't like how close these two sentences are together when they both have similar entrances. It's a repetitive statement, because the entrance of the opening sentence is repeated for no reason. By 'no reason', I mean that the paragraph the two sentences belong to do not follow a themed structure. It would be okay, then. Change one or the other, but personally I would change the latter sentence, because it's more of an afterthought than the first sentence.
What if i was to place the sentences next to each other instead of separated?

Reflecting on what you've written, more descriptions should be appropriate. Alien spaceships will always look different than what we're accustomed to seeing, but I want to know if they look like anything the character has seen before. Colors? Schemes? Figureheads? Something?
I would have explored them in depth; I chose not to due to a word limit.
(was that correct use of a semi-colon )

I'm impressed that we gained human rights in ten years when it took African Americans (and African Europeans) about two hundred years to get basic freedoms.
The final entry is meant to be 95 years after the second entry (100 years after the first). It is supposed to say June 5th 2193, I made a typo. So it took them almost 100 years. Which is still twice as fast as Negros, but humans still had a scientific community; Negros did not (as far as I know).

As much as some people might think that Africans were liked around the whole world except the 13 colonies, slave trading was initially bigger in Europe than it was in the U.S. (we can even include the eastern countries, like China, too) The only place that I can think of that was more or less favorable of Africans was the country of France, but they too had their share of problems when many African countries tried to declare independence from France after the 13 colonies won independence from Britain. My memory's a little hazy (mainly concerning dates), but I believe most of that is correct.
Here's another thing about slavery. It wasn't only blacks that were traded as slaves; in the Middle East white Christians were used as slaves.

Instead of 'racism', the word 'prejudice' is more appropriate. Racism and prejudice are not the same thing, but a growing group of people use them interchangeably (which worries me a LOT). Racism is believing in superiority and inferiority. A racist person believes that a person's qualities (mostly dealing with skin color, family history, and ethnic background) permanently disable a person from reaching certain goals. It even works the other way around, that a person's qualities enable them to reach certain goals.
I was unaware of this. Thanks.

That's an entirely different conversation, though. What does make them the same is that people who are prejudice and those who are racist are equally stupid. I can summon all kinds of Hell if you wanna talk about what 'stupid' really means, too. Haha.
Haha, let's leave that for another time.

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